6 Football Documentaries We Really Want to See on Disney+ in the UK

?We all loved that Sunderland documentary on Netflix, didn’t we? And that Spurs one on Amazon that’s coming out at the end of this season; can’t wait for that. 

But now Disney have launched their streaming platform (Disney+) in the UK (?Sign up for a 7-day free trial here), and there’s a dearth of football content. There’s about seven million The Simpsons episodes (and eight seasons of good ones) and all the old X-Men cartoons, but…where’s our football stuff? 

We’re meant to be paying £5.99 without any of THIS?!


Narcos: Ronaldinho

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It’s obvious, isn’t it? We don’t need actual football back, we need a docu-series on Ronaldinho’s time in a Paraguayan prison. We’ve already had 1) the fact that ?he’s in a Paraguayan prison, 2) the ?five-a-side tournament that he won for a suckling pig, 3) ?his birthday BBQ, presumably ft. Oinkers. 

That’s all in the space of a couple of weeks, he could be in there for ?months. And these are just the stories we’re actually hearing about!? Picture: Ronaldinho charming some intimidating thugs by doing keepy-ups with a milk carton. Ronaldinho foiling the nasty wardens with wit and charm. RONALDINHO. SHENANIGANS. 

?Theme song is sorted…


Lockdown: The Belarusian League Story

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There’s more or less no football being played in the world right now – except in Belarus, where quasi-dictator Aleksandr Lukashenko has called the coronavirus a ‘psychosis’ and suggested that the reaction to the virus may be worse than the virus itself. Neither science nor common sense backs him up on it, but the Belarusian Premier League is on. 

With the framing of the global health crisis and Lukashenko’s strongman dictatorship, a gritty documentary series following the course of the league season would be tense as all hell, and properly gripping. Get it. Do it. Do it right. 

Should you wish to learn more about the Belarussian Barclays, you can do so ?right here with this helpful guide.


Coleen Rooney: Pet Detective

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You know Coleen Rooney has absolute detective chops. The ?’It’s……..Rebekah Vardy’s account’ reveal on social media last year? That’s a flair for the dramatic, too. 

Disney love animals, Coleen Rooney loves being a detective, buy the rights for the whole Ace Ventura thing off Warner Bros and mash the two up. Y’know, without the wildly unnecessary veer towards transphobia that the Jim Carrey film takes. 


Once Upon a Time in the Potteries

James Beattie,Tony Pulis

Stoke. A magical place. A place where it rains on school nights; with a psychokinetic forcefield which stops Lionel Messi from playing football. 

While Tony Pulis was there (2006-13), the club was almost universally hated. Small clubs thought they were overhyped, big clubs thought they were dirty b-stards, everyone with eyes thought they were staggeringly dull. 

They didn’t see what was happening behind the scenes. Things like a naked Pulis headbutting James Beattie in the showers. Or Kenwyne Jones getting a pig’s head in his locker by mistake and retaliating with a brick through a car window. The wrong car window. 

Behind the scenes of those seven years of chaos? The full story? Voiceover from Peter Crouch? On. The. Plane. 


Taxi Drivers

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?The West Brom Taxi Incident. A mid-season (MID-SEASON!) trip to Barcelona, where four of the least interesting players for one of the Premier League’s least interesting clubs…stole a taxi. At half past five in the morning. A taxi that had already taken them to the place they decided to get late-night food. 

Jonny Evans, Gareth Barry, Boaz Myhill – BOAZ MYHILL – and Jake Livermore. These are five-yard-sideways-pass men, and they stole a taxi in Barcelona in the middle of a season. And their manager was ALAN PARDEW. 

Just a mini-series. Even a two-parter. We beg. 


Black Swan

Cyril the Swan

It’s very important that you know that Swansea City’s ‘Cyril the Swan’ mascot costume is haunted by the spirit of an ancient and deeply psychotic actual swan. That’s not a ‘legally acceptable’ defence, but it’s the only explanation for what has been a long history of……….well, Cyrilness. 

In the late 90s he was charged with bringing the game into disrepute for causing mischief at an FA Cup match; getting a touchline ban and being the entire reason the FA had to make a code of conduct for mascots. He also got into it with Norwich director Bryan Hamilton, picking up a couple of games banished to the pond before his peak in 2001 – ripping off Millwall mascot Zampa the Lion’s head and kicking it into the crowd at the Vetch Field, telling him ‘Don’t f–k with the Swans.’

Formatting for this one? We’re thinking something Ross Kemp on Gangs, Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men, that kinda thing. Might have to get one of those in to do the voiceover too because, as a mute swan, Cyril keeps his beak shut. 


For more from Chris Deeley, follow him on Twitter at @ThatChris1209!


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